Why are you so weird?

A little over a year ago we had some friends over for dinner. We were sitting around the table while the kids were all playing. As most discussions go, we were talking about daily life, our own little quirks, and idiosyncrasies. Our friend looked right at me and asked me point blank why was I so weird? He didn’t ask it to be mean or to make fun of me, he was genuinely curious about why I am the way that I am.

You see, I am a very structured mom.

I tend to be on the “stricter” side of the line. We have a very structured daily schedule. The girls are up by 6:15am during school days, we are out of the house by 7:15. When we come home from school , the girls know to get right to their homework, then there are chores to complete. Usually by then it is dinner time, then showers, then bed by 8pm. (This 8pm bedtime is new this year and an hour later than what we are all used to).

I don’t function too well when we deviate from this type of routine.

Honestly, the girls have gotten so used to this life, they don’t function too well when things are thrown off either.

The weekends are a little different, a little more wiggle room for whatever we have going on. Sundays however are our time to prepare for the week. This is when we do the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and honestly just the mental preparation for the week ahead. I don’t like to leave the house other than to go to grocery store.

I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t met with almost crippling anxiety if something wasn’t part of my everyday routine.

I thought about what my friend asked me… Why was I so weird? It all started when Reagan was a baby. She had two eye surgeries by the time she was a month old. After that, we were on rigid eye drop schedule for a while. Then at nine months old she was diagnosed with epilepsy, and she has been on medication for it ever since. That is also on a rigid schedule.

It goes deeper than that though. We have all dealt with Reagan’s diagnosis for eleven years now. However, to this day, we don’t know what triggers Reagan’s seizures. She has had EEG’s done, she has sat and watched strobe lights, she has been sleep deprived, yet none of these tests have triggered a seizure.

I don’t have control over her epilepsy. I don’t know what causes her seizures. The only thing that I can control is our schedules. I can make sure that she gets enough sleep, I can control the amount of outside stimulation she gets.

This has now manifested into anxiety for me. My girls don’t participate in sports where there are practices after school. It makes me go crazy thinking about how we would fit in all our normal things if we were out on the field until 8pm most nights.

When we are invited to someone’s house or to an event on Sunday’s, my heartrate kicks up. Same goes for if we have anyone over to our house.

 I often find myself in tears at different times during the day worried about how this is going to affect my normal routine.

 I don’t want to come off as a bitch who always says no, or like someone who doesn’t care so I deal with it. I have my own little meltdowns in the bathroom throughout the day before we head off to the function or to a friend’s house.

I know that this isn’t a normal reaction. I haven’t been to a doctor to be formally diagnosed. I am not on any medication to deal with this. It is just something that I struggle with. People don’t always understand me, and instead of trying to explain, I just deal with the anxiety. Then I don’t have to be concerned about people being angry with me, or me being the one to let down someone because their schedule and routine is different from mine.

I think that part of me just deals with it because I don’t want my girls to become like me in this way. I don’t want them to struggle with the little disruptions to their normal routine. There are too many big disruptions that throw us all off.

Here’s hoping that one day I won’t be so weird… well, not this kind of weird anyway…